woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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