I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
