I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
