seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
