Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
