Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
