My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
