we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I could make wine with my vomit
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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