Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
