Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
