Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
