Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
