Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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