Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
