You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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