i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
