Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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