He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
