Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
