My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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