there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
