one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
