if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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