I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
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