dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My vagina just clenched in fear
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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