Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
