I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
