I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
