Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
