My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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