also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
