Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
