Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
