I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
A+ Viking dick
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
