last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
