I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
