Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
