god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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