You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
