Moan for me like Helen Keller
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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