I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
