Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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