i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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