She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i will never coherently bang her
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
