Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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