I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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