Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Randomize
