I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
