woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
