how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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