I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
