my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
