So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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