I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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