Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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