You're earring is so big in my mouth
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's shark week go big or go home
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
