Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
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Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
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so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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