Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
